19 • Again

* This chapter features a panic/anxiety attack which may be triggering for some readers. *

An express came at twelve last night, just as we had all gone to bed, from Colonel Forester, to inform us how she has gone off to Scotland with one of his officers — with Wickham! You cannot imagine our surprise, though it was certainly, wholly, unexpected. I hope Kitty does not respond harshly to the news; I am very very sorry, Lizzy, to place this information upon you.

So imprudent a match on both sides! We have discussed Wickham before, of course, but…I have to be willing to hope for the best, for our sister. Wickham’s history has painted him a rogue for money, but it is no secret Lydia has none! I simply don’t understand… Thoughtless and indiscreet I can easily believe him, but this step…he must know papa can give them nothing.

Poor mama is grieving. Our father bears it better. How thankful I am that we never let them know what has been said against him; we must continue to keep that within ourselves. He and Lydia were off Saturday night, we were told, but we have the small relief that they were still seen in town until yesterday morning. The express was sent off directly. They must have passed within ten miles of us! Colonel Forster gives us reason to expect him here soon, since Lydia left a few lines for his wife, informing her of their intention.

I must conclude, for I cannot be long from mama and I am not sure I can make out what I have written.

James could not recall his moving to the front of the inn. He was drawn to the door, open as it was to relieve the stale smell of the interior rooms. The sheets of rain now falling cast a cold breeze over his fingers as he seized the next letter, tearing it apart so the grey light could illuminate its contents.

By this time, my dearest Lizzy, you have received my hurried letter. I wish this may be more intelligible but…my head is so bewildered I can only hope it is somehow more coherent. So uncommonly are you away from home, that I almost did not write again, afraid you might never take holiday again after these events and what further bad news I have for you.

Imprudent as a marriage between Lydia and Wickham would be, we are now anxious to be assured it has taken place, for there is too much reason to fear they are not gone to Scotland. Colonel Forester came yesterday from Brighton, having left not long after the express. Though Lydia’s short letter to his wife led them to think they were going to Gretna Green…well, our Lydia was never a fair liar, was she? And something revealed by Denny confirmed their suspicions.

Denny firmly believed, and gave some reason, how Wickham would simply never have reason to go there, let alone marry Lydia at all. Colonel Forester, instantly taking alarm, set off from Brighton, intending to trace their route. He did manage to trace them easily to Clapham, but no further, for upon entering that place, the pair was removed in a hackney-coach, thereby leaving their original chaise as a dead end.

All that is known after this is that they were seen to continue the London road. The Colonel, bless his efforts, made every possible enquiry on that side of London, as well as to all the inns between there and Hertfordshire, but to no success. No such people had been seen to pass through. With the kindest concern, he and his wife came on to Longbourn, and broke their apprehensions to us. After such efforts and their own grieving, I cannot but feel the utmost sincerity from them both, alongside a quite unfamiliar anger at our sister. That she would betray such compassionate people for her misguided adventure is…I cannot say it. I do not feel like myself; this version of me that is shedding its love for a sister.

Our distress is very great. Mama and papa believed the worst, and it is the greatest curse to see them wither under the met expectations. Any altered circumstances would have made this easier to stomach; a private marriage in town, if they had insisted, but when I voiced my complaints to the Colonel, he shook his head. He is not disposed to depend on their marriage. He openly feared Wickham was not a man to be trusted.

Mama has fallen so ill she keeps to her room. Could she exert herself it would be better, but…. As for our father, I never in my life saw him so affected. You once accused our parents of their lacklustre performance over our youngest siblings, but know that they never denied a drop of their love to them.

It is the greatest condolence, Lizzy, how you urged the Gardiners to take Kitty with you, as it is also a jealously of mine that you have both been spared these distressing scenes.

Now as the first shock is over, shall I own that I long for your return? I am not so selfish, however, as to press for it. It is so rare that you venture outside of Hertfordshire; I would never forgive myself if I made this your last. Adieu.

“Lizzy?”

His head jerked up, starling his sister. He vacantly saw William’s form behind her in the corridor as she waited for him to speak. “You’ve…been walking back and forth between here and your room. It’s almost like you’re trying to pack but…the hallway is a mess…”

She moved around him to grasp the trunk he did not remember dragging from his room. His gaze vacantly wandered back to the letter, where he read as if from a long lost dream:

P.S. I take up my pen again to do what I have just told you I would not. Circumstances are such that I cannot help but earnestly beg you to cut your trip short. Lizzy, I…I cannot console mama. I do not know how. You are the only one of us who knows her heart, and I have a request for our uncle. Our father is going to London with Colonel Forester to try to discover our sister. What they mean to do, I am unaware, but papa’s excessive distress will not leave a tranquil home, nor make his path the safest course. Colonel Forster is obliged to be back at Brighton as soon as possible, leaving our father to his own ends. In such an exigency, uncle’s assistance would at least guarantee the safety of papa.

“Jamie?”

William’s soft voice was a ripple on the surface of James’ mind. His eyes widened as James’ head lifted, his silver and hazel-green irises severe on the backdrop of red as tears began silently rushing down his face. “I have to go.”

“What?” he breathed as he searched James’ eyes, but he was far away. “James, what’s happened?”

“I have to go…Ihaveto goIhave togo…” he muttered, not feeling the palm on his cheek as he turned away.

“Lizzy?” Kitty’s voice sounded hollow as fear widened her own gaze.

“James, stop, you’re not packing anything,” William urged as the clothes Kitty picked up from the floor were taken from her and haphazardly thrown into the trunk.

James paused and had the thought to push the letters into her hands. “Uncle. Wh-Where is our uncle? He needs to go to London. I need to go.”

“Go where?” Kitty exclaimed. “Lizzy—please!”

“James?” his uncle’s voice uttered. “What’s going on?”

He had gone in haste to his room, but William’s hand on Kitty’s shoulder drew her frightened eyes up to him. “What do they say?”

She fumbled with the crumpled paper, pieces of envelope falling to the floor like leaves as she tried to read Jane’s writing. “I-I can’t—it’s too—”

Mr. Gardiner yanked them from her and read quickly, “Relates to poor Lydia… inform us how she has gone off to Scotland with one of his officers — with Wickham. Lydia has run off! An elopement?”

“What’s this?” his wife voiced behind him as James returned from his room.

Kitty rushed into her arms. “It’s happening again!”

“Lydia’s gone… Send the luggage after me, I have to go,” James said to no one.

“Again?” William was the voice of calm.

“I don’t know what it is!” Kitty cried. “An affliction, an attack — please stop him!”

“James!” Mr. Gardiner called down the corridor.

William rushed after him to the stables on the other side of the inn. The rain had already made frigid puddles in the gravel and mud when William grabbed his arm. “James! You cannot travel in this!”

The rain made his hair into tendrils sticking to his face. “I have to! Wickham will fuck her and leave her and for what? Whatever shillings are in her purse while she laughs along like it’s some adventure until birth kills her!”

“James,” he gripped both his arms. “You’re in a shirt and waistcoat. You will die out here first.”

James grimaced, sniffling as he struggled. “She isn’t your sister. She doesn’t have any reason to be treated gently!”

There it was, the horror his thoughts were unable to process until now. His hands caught his sobs, covering his mouth as he suddenly moved backwards. William’s knee landed in the mud as he caught Jamie slipping completely off his feet. He held James tightly against him, his shoulder blades against William’s chest as he sobbed against the hand cradling his head.

“She is lost forever…” he breathed, going limp in William’s arms.

* * * * * * *

The rain continued through the night and into the morning. William arranged his best driver and carriage to take Mr. Gardiner to London at first light, but not before stepping into the doorway of James’ room.

His eyes were open, gazing out of the window. Kitty had slept with him, and was still slumbering close behind him. After sleeping so long with Jane, it had been a small comfort as well as necessary body heat after William carried him inside.

“Strange luck we have,” he heard Mrs. Gardiner speaking to her husband as he was donning his coat and shoes in the corridor. “The last time this happened, he was fifteen during our visit to Longbourn, remember?”

“Of course I remember,” her husband growled tiredly. “I would sooner forget it. He nearly wasted away.”

William’s heart ricocheted in his ribs when James’ eyes met his and then dragged back to the grey light of the window, far more alert than he seemed.

“I never expected your sister to cast us out of the house like that. I did not think she had it in her. Loud of voice, sure, but loud in authority, I never imagined.”

“Her second child and only son was dying in front of her eyes, what would you have done?” he hushed as he stood from his trunk for the driver to take it out to the carriage.

“I might’ve responded with a bit more grace for whatever affliction befell my child,” she supplied. “They never gave us an explanation for what this is. He didn’t eat, he didn’t sleep—”

“My dear,” he curtailed as he donned his hat and held her shoulders. “You are the mother of my children and the love of my life. My partner in business and adventure, but you cannot know what it means to have a sibling with a heart like a storm and to see that trait thrash in one of her children. Do not speak of things of which you know nothing.”

As if he could see her mouth opening to speak, William’s voice carried through the corridor. “I quite agree that silence is the best option, Mrs. Gardiner,” he finished. “You’d best be off, Mr. Gardiner. I will be after you presently.”

While husband and wife finished their farewells, William turned back to the bed to find James watching him. He went to sit at the writing table, which stood on James’ side of the room. “You’re leaving,” he said hoarsely.

William nodded gently as he leaned forward to set his elbows on his knees, an effort to sit that much closer to him. “I am bound for London as well. I hope you won’t take offense; I read the letters. I understand the circumstances.”

James’ glazed eyes wandered his face. “Why are you going to London?”

“To help in finding your sister,” he said softly, to not disturb Kitty. “I believe I am the one with the most experience when it comes to interrupting elopements.”

His eyes were kind while James’ gaze suggested he did not believe him. Eventually, he uttered, “I must go with you.”

“No,” William surprised him with a shake of his head. “You need to rest and then take the carriage I’m leaving for you back to Longbourn. You can do the most good in your home. Your mother has lost her vivre, and Jane her optimism. They need you.”

James swallowed thickly as his eyes grew shinier with tears. “You know Wickham better than anyone.”

“Then I have the advantage, don’t I?” he agreed.

James dry lips parted. “Why are you helping us?”

The hope leaving William’s face pulled his eyes down. “Jamie, I…”

He fell into silence as tears slid over James’ face, the pair of them at a strange impasse. William stood and reached for James’ hand. The fingers trembled in his grip as William kissed the back of his palm. “I want a reply to my next letter. Do that much for me.”

He did not wait for a response. He set James’ hand down, spared a moment to pet the kitten’s head that was slumbering on his pillow, and strode out the door.